Split Me Soup

Everyday I’m forced to face the dichotomy of Me vs. Me.

I dress plainly-jeans and a t-shirt-because I can never seem to agree with myself. One me (let’s call her MeA) wants to dress like a pretty pretty girly girl. She wants to wear make-up and frilly skirts with girlish tops and expensive shoes. She wants to bewitch and beguile every person she passes with a single look that begs them to beg for more. MeA is demure and poised with perfectly coiffed hair and a delicate fragrance that lingers in rooms when she’s long gone from them.

Another me (we’ll call her MeB) see things a little differently. MeB wants to wear baggy pants and black shirts with writing that proclaims loudly to go fuck yourself. MeB wants to scream and yell and beg every person who passes to look around, just for a minute, and see the society killing us right now. She wants to tell them that it isn’t just about how you look. She wants to scream that she’s not just a collection of parts to be examined by every passerby like some insect on display-I’m a goddamn person, for fuck’s sake, not a science project.

MeA wants to make sure that everything around her is completely harmonious. She wants to be sure that everyone is included in her courtesy-even the crazy people yelling at each other next door. She wants to maintain the highest amount of dignity possible and remember to be proper at all times. She doesn’t curse or speak out of turn or make a big deal out of whatever small infraction a friend may have incurred-no matter how many times it’s been repeated.

MeB wants to make sure everything around her is fair. She doesn’t want to fight, but she isn’t afraid to pull up her fits and take her stance. She’ll yell at the crazy people next door and laugh when they yell back. She’ll speak the moment she must-and not a minute later. MeB doesn’t bend to the wills of men or women or anyone, for that matter, though she will deign to take advice most days. MeB calls her friends on their shit and makes sure things are taken care of.

MeA wants to write fantasy and be known as a beauty amongst authors. She wants to be a publishing darling. She wants to follow the beaten path to prove that she’s worth something to society and that she’s not just some worthless wanderer incapable of settling down.

MeB wants to be a journalist and an activist and tell the whole system off. She wants to be heard as a woman and as a person. She wants to beat new paths, prove that you don’t have to fit in to stand out and, most of all, she doesn’t want to stagnate.

Both of these polarized creatures are me. Everyday is a constant struggle to keep them at peace and sometimes I fail. Sometimes the compromises I’ve made to appease one have deeply offended the other and made me question who I am and what I’m doing. Often I’m completely crippled to inactivity by the warring forces of my personality and am afraid they’ll never be reconciled. Every time I find some good, solid middle ground I look up and they’re looming over me; larger than ever, ready to destroy something in the heat of battle.

Mostly I just don’t want that something to be me.

And, Now, A Word From Our Host (rant)

There used to be few things that really put me over the edge but, lately, they're multiplying. As the Millenial Generation comes into its own socially, it is becoming more and more acceptable to act repulsively. Social conventions that should be the foundation of interaction are crumbling at an alarming rate.

Here are the few common indiscretions I find most irritating:

1. People Flake ask anyone. It is now completely acceptable to agree to plans and, right up until the last moment, keep to yourself the fact that you will not be seeing them out. Anyone who depending on you be damned. Many many many times this has happened to me lately and I can't help but feel the underpinning message of the person flaking to be "You matter less to me than the five minutes it would take to check my schedule and make sure I actually have the weekend free."

2. People Forget everything. You can ask someone only moments before a question, they will hesitate to answer, and eventually forget you asked at all. In conjunction with number 1, I feel that a lot of people use the "I forgot" excuse constantly to excuse flakiness. Add to that the fact that somehow admitting this flaw of absent-minded behavior is supposed to be some sort of free pass to forgiveness and an inevitable repeat performance.

3. People Fake The worst part of this one is that I'm guilty of it myself. People my age are always pulling facts out of their ass to explain things they "know" to be true. One-ups are common and not always honest; they have become, however, the goal of most social interaction.

4. People Hide They use past experiences as a shield to hide their flaws behind. If something traumatic happened to them when they were young it is now the reason behind every problem they will ever have. Clearly there is no outlet for people to work through their issues and lead normal, healthy, drama-free lives.

Life is work. Clearly we Millenials will do anything to get out of that work while still expecting to reap the benefits. I think the internet has made us lazy and unwilling to do the leg work for in-person interactions when there are so many easy friends online. What does it matter that you can't keep a lunch date with friends IRL when you have 413 facebook friends? The internet loves you!

It's. Just. So. Easy.